By Iconique Magazine – Relationship Blogs
There’s a quiet mantra a lot of women whisper to themselves after a breakup:
“I’ll treat the next man better. Then he’ll see I wasn’t the problem.”
On the surface, it sounds like growth. It sounds like a woman choosing to elevate, level up, and be a better partner. But underneath that declaration, there’s often a darker truth: she’s not healing, she’s performing. She’s not reflecting, she’s rebranding. And sometimes, the woman swearing she’ll treat the next man better is actually the one who brought the toxicity into the relationship in the first place.
Let’s talk about it.
“It Was Him, Not Me” – The Story We Love to Tell
Nobody likes to see themselves as the villain in their own story. It’s far more comfortable to frame the ex as the narcissist, the liar, the manipulator, the emotionally unavailable one. And sometimes, that’s absolutely true. But sometimes, both people brought chaos. Sometimes, she was dismissive, controlling, ungrateful, explosive, passive-aggressive, or emotionally unavailable too.
But admitting that? That’s hard.
So instead of saying, “I didn’t show up well in that relationship,” she says, “He didn’t appreciate me.” Instead of owning, “I ignored his needs,” she says, “He couldn’t handle a strong woman.” The narrative gets edited to maintain her image — to friends, to social media, and most dangerously, to herself.
That’s where “I’ll treat the next man better” becomes less about growth and more about proving she wasn’t the problem.
Treating the Next Man Like a Walking Receipt
When a woman is secretly trying to prove she wasn’t the toxic one, the next man becomes evidence.
She suddenly does all the things her ex asked for:
• She listens more.
• She communicates.
• She’s softer, more patient, more affectionate.
• She shows up on time, keeps her word, apologizes faster.
But instead of coming from true transformation, it comes from a place of comparison and performance.
Deep down, she’s thinking:
• “See? I can be a good woman; he just didn’t deserve it.”
• “This new man gets the version of me I could’ve been for you — that’s your loss.”
The relationship stops being about connection and starts being about winning an invisible argument with an ex who has probably moved on.
That’s not healing. That’s ego in a new outfit.
When You Were the Toxic One… and Won’t Admit It
Let’s be real. Sometimes she was the problem:
• She started unnecessary arguments and called it “just keeping it real.”
• She weaponized silence, affection, or sex when she didn’t get her way.
• She disrespected his boundaries, his time, his dreams.
• She flirted with others for validation, then blamed him for “being insecure.”
• She refused to apologize, always flipped the blame, or played the victim when confronted.
Yet when the relationship ends, she posts soft-life quotes and tells everyone, “He couldn’t handle me,” when the truth is: he couldn’t heal next to her.
Instead of asking, “Why do I communicate like this?” “Why do I shut down or explode?” “Why do I always need to be right?” she skips the inner work and jumps straight into another man’s arms with the promise, “I’ll treat this one better.”
Better how?
Better because you’ve grown?
Or better because you’re trying to prove your ex wrong?
The Illusion of “Leveling Up”
Growth that’s rooted in ego is still toxicity — it just walks in heels now.
If the motivation behind being a “better partner” is:
• Revenge,
• Competition,
• Image control,
• Or proving a point,
then it’s not healing, it’s performance art.
True growth doesn’t need an audience. It doesn’t need your ex to see you happy on Instagram. It doesn’t need a new man to validate that you’ve changed. Real transformation sits in the quiet moments where you admit:
• “I was controlling.”
• “I was emotionally immature.”
• “I didn’t know how to love in a healthy way.”
• “I hurt him too.”
And then you do the work — therapy, self-reflection, accountability, unlearning, apologizing where possible, and changing your patterns.
The New Man Deserves Wholeness, Not Proving Ground
When you use a new man to prove you weren’t the toxic one, he becomes collateral damage in your unfinished healing.
You might:
• Overcompensate and burn yourself out trying to be “perfect.”
• Resent him when he doesn’t react the way you expected your ex would.
• Keep telling stories about your ex to justify your behavior.
• Use this new relationship like a walking PR campaign: “Look how amazing I am now.”
But that new man didn’t sign up to be a prop in your redemption arc. He deserves genuine love, not love curated for optics. He deserves a woman who’s honest about her past and her flaws, not just her wounds.
Accountability Is the Real Glow-Up
If you’re a woman reading this and it’s hitting a little too close, this part is for you:
There is nothing weak about saying, “I was toxic.”
There is nothing embarrassing about admitting, “I didn’t know how to love right back then.”
There is real power in choosing to stop repeating the same harmful patterns — not because you want to prove something to an ex, but because you want to become a healthier, softer, more grounded version of yourself.
Treat the next man better, yes — but don’t do it to send a message. Do it because:
• You’ve healed.
• You’ve learned.
• You’ve taken accountability.
• You actually like the woman you’re becoming when no one is watching.
The real flex is not making your ex jealous. The real flex is not needing to defend your character at all. The real flex is peace — the kind that comes when you stop rewriting the story and finally tell yourself the truth.
And that’s where real love, for you and the next man, actually starts.
Comment Below
Discover more from ICONIQUE MAGAZINE
Subscribe to get the latest posts sent to your email.